This cake is very special to me because I made it for my mom’s 53nd birthday. Some of you may not know, but a year and a half ago she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I haven’t talked about it that much on the blog because this is supposed to be a place filled with happy things like sprinkles and cakes – not depressing topics like illness and death.
But every once in a while, life happens, and no matter how hard you try, no amount of sprinkles can make it better. Two weeks ago, I had to say goodbye to my mom as her battle with cancer came to an end.
I have written and rewritten this post a thousand times – but I found that no combination of words can properly express the overwhelming sadness that has made its way into my life. I have dealt with heartbreak and depression before, but nothing compares to this.
My mom was such a central part of my life, I never really imagined I would have to say goodbye. Even when she was diagnosed, I found it hard to picture a life without her. But in the last two weeks, I have realized that I couldn’t picture it, because for me, my life will never be without her.
I don’t necessarily believe in spirits or angels or an afterlife – but what I do believe is that I am the person I am today because of her. No matter what happens, no one can take that away from me. She gave me my pointy nose, my small toes, and my inability to sing in tune no matter how hard I try. She passed on her perfectionist tendencies, and showed me that being in charge is usually the most effective way of getting things done. She taught me how to care for others, to curse like a sailor, and to always follow my gut. She believed that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to, and so far, she has been right.
These are things I get to carry with me every single day. And even though the past couple of weeks have been almost unbearable, I find comfort in knowing that these are things I will never have to say goodbye to. I love you, Mom. More than you could ever know.