This cake has a very special place in my heart because it was the last birthday cake I made for my mom before she passed away. (I may or may not already be crying as I write this). I made and photographed this cake almost a year ago, but I have not been able to get myself to post it (probably something to do with the previously mentioned crying). But, this week marks 4 years since my mom passed away, so I felt like it was time.
When you think about about the span of someone’s life, 4 years does not seem that long. But time is a strange thing when you lose someone you love. In some ways, time stands still. There are days or moments that come without warning where you are overcome by a wave of sadness. The emotions overwhelm you and you are transported right back to the center of your loss. It feels like the whole thing is happening all over again.
On the other hand, time seems to be going too fast. So many things have changed in my life over the last 4 years, and I am devastated when I think about all the things my mom will never know about me or my life - the places I have lived, the accomplishments I have achieved, and the heartaches I have endured. Each new experience acts as a marker - a reminder that, as time continues to pass, I am further and further away from the life that I knew with her in it. Further away from her.
And this month we are selling our house. I know it sounds strange that I am so sad to see it go because the reality is, so many terrible things happened inside this house. It was inside this house that I watched the cancer strip my mom of her strength and personality bit by bit until it was gone. It was inside this house that I held her hand while she cried because she was too exhausted to fight anymore. And it was inside this house that I watched the people I love most struggle to figure out how to live their lives after she was gone.
Soo yes, a lot of terrible things happened inside this house - but it is still the place I feel closest to her.
For some reason, my good memories outweigh the bad ones when I am home. This is a place I watched my mom rediscover her own life after her children were gone. A place where I saw the strength of my mom and dad’s love like I had never seen before. A place where she smiled and laughed and attempted to train the puppy I brought home randomly one day. It is a place she loved so much - and it is the place where we all shared her last Strawberry Confetti Birthday cake.
Somehow, saying goodbye to this house makes me feel like I am having to say goodbye to her all over again. That I am officially leaving any part of my life with her in it behind and moving forward. Logically, I know this is ridiculous. I know that this house is just a structure and letting it go does not mean I have to say goodbye to the memories that live inside of it. But for some reason, no matter how many times I remind myself of this, I am still doing a lot of crying (and a lot of comfort eating). And for now, I am just going to let myself.
Ok now that I have word vomited allllll my feelings, here is a wonderful Strawberry Confetti Cake recipe for you guys to make! A super moist yellow confetti cake with the most amazing strawberry Italian buttercream you will ever taste! And if you are having a hard day and you want to cry while making it and/or eating it - I totally support you in that.
*One 6" cake
Hi, I am reading your blog at 4am about your Mums passing and the void its left... I hear you, I so get what you are experiencing. I lost my Dad 2yrs ago and the overwhelming feeling of his absence hits me hard at times, especially when Ive seen a sporting event or something comical or Dad's favourite - food of all kinds and from all cultures of the world. These are moments where I'd usually pick up the phone to share my experience with him, so yeah, quietly I'm still struggling.. I miss my Dad so much...
Hi there. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I totally know what you are talking about. The times when I go to call my mom to tell her something are the worst. Because, for a second, I forgot she was gone. And then I have to be reminded all over again. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but someone sent me this article after my mom passed away and I found it incredibly helpful. So I am passing it on to you now - https://www.good.is/articles/best-comment-ever - I hope it gives you a little bit of comfort and makes you feel not so alone in your struggle. No one should struggle alone. <3
Well now I’m full crying. I love you Linds. Jodi would be SO proud of you and everything you have overcome and accomplished. Missing her a little more each day. Her love is our strength.
You and me both just ugly crying over here. Love love love
Hugs, darling. Your mom knows everything that’s happened in your life in these 4 years. She’s been beside you all the time.
That makes me smile <3
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